What's Going On: An Update

In all honesty, I haven't written a post since August. Not out of laziness or lack of effort, or anything like that. I've just been too busy. I'd scheduled quite a few posts to go up as I knew that I wouldn't have much time to rave about my latest purchases, or tell you what lipstick I probably haven't worn all that much - but those are fast running out and I am now in my final year of university finding it very difficult to get things done. Finding the time to go do simple things like going to the post office, catching up with friends, or even loading the dishwasher is becoming increasingly difficult. The last three months or so have gone by incredibly fast, and I can tell how long it's been since I last sat and wrote to you as the Blogger platform has had a bit of a makeover whilst I've been absent. So I thought I'd write you a little somethin' to let you know that I'm still alive (barely). 

Since we last spoke properly, I've had an MRI scan. I've been diagnosed with this, that, and the other.  I've cried. I've made some big lifestyle changes. I've had meltdowns. I've paused and resumed physiotherapy. I've started ankle classes to strengthen the muscles around my ankles. I've had interviews. I've applied for teacher training. I've got rejected from teacher training. I've lost a stone. I've driven to remote locations and just sat screaming where no-one could hear me. I've bought more clothes than I should have done. But most importantly, I've found some happiness in the chaos that is my life. 

My chaotic life is being somewhat dominated by assignments at the moment. I'm just starting my equivalent of a dissertation, and almost 99% of my time is spent reading journal articles and textbooks. Listening to podcasts, and watching TED Talks from people that lecturers tell me are important. At the moment one of my main priorities is finding participants to take part in my research study. Which I thought would be a lot easier than it is. So if you're a student willing to fill out a couple of questionnaires for my research study that will take no longer than 15-20 minutes please get in touch by leaving me a comment/email/tweet! Or if you know anyone that would be willing to help me out - send them my way! I BEG YOU. 

What's happened in your life recently?

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Life Lately: July

If you follow me on me on Twitter, you probably know that June and July have been a bit of a whirlwind for me and my health. I've decided to write this post not for the sympathy of my lovely readers, but as more of a diary entry where I can share my current thoughts and feelings, track my progress, and basically set goals for the future. 

I've not really talked about it on my blog (or anywhere for that matter), but I suffer from Joint Hypermobility Syndrome (JHS) and consequently have a lot of issues with my joints. Occasionally I have flare ups, where joints become painful and I have to take a few days off here and there to get back on track. On the day of the UK referendum (I blame you for all of this Brexit), I woke up with a lot of pain in one of my ankles. At first I thought it was one of my flare ups and decided to rest for a few days. Eventually the pain got so bad that I was having panic attacks and crying for ~75% of the day. I just couldn't cope with the pain and I wasn't even able stand up. Just the weight of even a blanket or a sock made me scream out like a banshee. My mum rang the 111 service to see what she could do, and they recommended I go straight to A&E. I was seen almost immediately and given some prescription-strength painkillers to help reduce the pain, and told to come back in a few days if there were no improvement.

I left another week in the hopes that it would all just go away and I'd be back doing burpees and dancing erratically to Taylor Swift before I knew it, but in the end I had to go back as I was still in unbearable pain. I'd been taking a combination of all the painkillers known to man, with doses big enough to knock me out for a few hours but nothing even touched the pain. I had an X-Ray to see if I'd broken something, but the scan came back fine. The doctor (James the bae), said he was stumped and didn't really know what was causing all the swelling and pain in my ankle. He gave me some more painkillers and sent me home to try and walk on it more and more. He said that the Codeine should numb the pain, however in the 2 weeks I had been taking the Codeine, I'd had every other side effect on the information leaflet (including the rare ones) except the desired pain relief. I felt sick ALL THE TIME, I kept fainting, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, and I lost over a stone (15lbs/6.8kilos) - ALL IN THE SPACE OF TWO WEEKS. At this point I decided to stop taking the medicine as it was doing way more harm than good. 

The following day I received a letter in the post saying my X-Ray had been reexamined and I needed to go back to the hospital. I got really excited thinking that they'd found a crack or something, and I'd be sent home in a cast and it would heal and all would be fine. But as soon as I saw the doctor I could see it was more serious than I'd thought. After 3 weeks I was given the diagnosis of a Talar Osteochondral Defect. Essentially I had chipped the main bone in my ankle at some point or another and the joint space had been continuously filling with water and God knows what else for quite some time. I had a blood test (complete with the worlds biggest panic attack) and It showed I was perfectly healthy, with zero signs of infection. The doctor decided to refer me to an orthopaedic specialist, gave me some crutches and a walking boot, and sent me home.

Four weeks to the day since the pain started and my orthopaedics appointment rolled around. The doctor (who was an actual psycho btw) started the appointment by shouting at me for being referred to the wrong clinic. He then proceeded to tell me that this was a life-long condition that would never go away. At this point I burst out into tears because I took that he meant I would never be able to walk again, but my mum  later reassured me he simply meant the damage to the bone was permanent (#phew). He told me I would need weekly physiotherapy appointments for the rest of my life and referred me to Radiology to have an MRI scan. On the day I'm writing this (the date of publishing), I have just received my appointment for my MRI scan, and the amount of information that came in the envelope was daunting. I'm not bothered about having the actual scan as I've learnt about them at uni and I know that they are completely painless. I'm more worried about the actual results, because if the scan shows that the bone fragments have collapsed into the joint space, I will need surgery to clean it out otherwise I would go on to develop arthritis in my ankle. My anxiety has been through the roof, and the thought of needing surgery makes me physically sick. I don't cope very well with even dentist checkups, so the idea of being admitted into a hospital makes me want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep forever.

Despite everything that's going on I've remained quite positive with only the occasional emotional breakdown. The pain has reduced dramatically, and I've started my physiotherapy which is making me feel a lot better in myself. I've been given lots of exercises to improve the mobility of my ankle, and the physiotherapist showed me how to walk up and down stairs safely with my crutches so I don't need to crawl as much anymore. Since my first appointment, I've been able to bend my ankle into more of a standing position, bear some weight on it, and even take a few steps. I'm really hoping that I will continue to progress at the same rate as these last couple of days. Before my orthopaedics appointment I was worried that I wouldn't be able to return to university in September, and was thinking through all the worst possible scenarios in my head. At this point I would like to set myself a few goals for the month ahead; by the start of August I plan to be the same as I am now whilst relying on one crutch as opposed to two. By September I hope to be off crutches for the majority of my day, and by the time I go back to university I hope to be able to drive and walk as normal. I'm not expecting to be able to walk long distances, or do all the things that I would usually do - but I am hoping I will be able to at least commute to and from university every day. 

I remain optimistic, although I do realise that my goals may be completely unachievable. My friends and family have been incredibly supportive over the last few weeks, and one of my friends has even offered to let me live-in at her house on the days that I have lectures, so she can help me travel in and it not be as far to get there. It's times like these when you really do realise how much people care for you, and my friends and family would well and truly do anything to make my life even the slightest bit easier. I will probably continue to share little updates of my progress over the coming months, so apologies if you really didn't like this post, but I'd rather it wasn't happening for me to write about too. I promise I won't go into overkill, but the progress I'm starting to make is more exciting than anything else in my life to date. After not being able to stand up for 4 weeks, I see it as being reborn and being able to watch myself grow up and take my first steps in the world.  

Thank you for reading and for your continuous support during this moment in my life. 

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Life Lately

I've probably said this well over a hundred times, and so far, every time I've said it I haven't been true to my word. I keep saying that my posts will be up and running soon, but soon never seems to arrive. The odd scheduled post goes up, but my schedule is well and truly shot. I am writing this on the day of publishing, and at this moment in time, I have a billion other things that I should be doing - instead I'm writing this blog post to tell you about all the things I should be doing. I have work placement for the next four weeks, and with a 9-5 schedule as well as my university deadlines, I am exhausted to say the least. I think hectic is a bit of an understatement, but my life is absolutely crazy at the minute. I've been trying to put myself and my academic work first, and to some extent I feel 'happy'. I thought life would have quietened down by now, but again I have been proved well and truly wrong. I have one assignment deadline left to meet, and until then blogging is going to be taking a back seat. 

I'm currently five weeks away from finishing my second year at university (scary right?), and besides wondering how I've got this far, the pressure seems to be piling up. Over the next few weeks I have to submit a proposal for my major research project (aka my version of a dissertation), and above anything else - I have to think about what I want to do when I graduate. GRADUATE. I know what I want to do in life, and roughly what I need to do in order to get there, but where it all falls down is the fact that it all relies on how well I do now. This morning I got a pretty bad result on one of my assignments, not terrible (it was a 2:2 FYI) - but significantly worse than my lowest grade this year. I spent four whole weeks writing that essay pretty much 24/7, and to almost be told that it was rubbish is absolutely soul crushing. 

I may or may not be posting over the next couple of weeks, but believe me when I say that it is not because I have forgotten. I am well aware that posts aren't going up and comments aren't being replied to. But currently there physically aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. Who even needs sleep nowadays? I hope that you will stick around because I have quite a few ideas planned, all I need is the time to sit down and make the plans a reality. Come June, university will be over and I will have 6 months of freedom to get up to speed before returning in late September. Until then I will most likely be non-existent here on Charlotte Sophia Roberts. Apologies for this, but I consider the rest of my life more important than a hobby I have enjoyed for the last two years. 

As always, thank you for reading and I hope to see you soon!

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Taking A Time Out: An Update

Hellooooooooo! First of all NO it isn't Sunday, and this isn't my regular 9am Sunday post - you haven't got today off. I'm posting this incase you missed yesterday's usual post and the first couple sentences in it. So just incase you missed it - I am back. I repeat I AM BACK! I have a real urge to write out the lyrics to Without Me by Eminem, but I will resist that urge as I feel it is way too cliché and I don't want to be that person. (Guess who's back, back again, Charlotte's back, tell a friend...)

In case you are waaaaay out of the loop, haven't tuned in for a while or whatever.... a month or so ago I announced that I would be taking a well overdue break from blogging to focus on my health and well being. After almost two years of twice weekly blogging, I obviously found it extrememly hard at first to go cold turkey as it was part of my weekly routine. I kept checking up on my comments and page views, and had an overwhelming urge to write a schedule a few blog posts. At the start of my break, I was disappointed that my page-views had dropped dramatically, but I guess that was going to be a given thing considering I wasn't really blogging. Statistics aside, my health has improved dramatically - my stupid eye twitch has pretty much stopped twitching, but not entirely. When I am in a stressful situation, working out, or in times where I can feel my anxiety spike, my eye likes to let me know that it's still in it's socket! After my break I feel a lot more relaxed, insanely happier, back to my crazy organised self - and all together more myself. I've enjoyed kicking stress in the butt, and I will continue to try and keep my stress in check. (Also if you're interested in a few stress related posts - let me know!)

Although I am back, I will be gradually easing my way back in, dipping my toe into the water gradually. I don't want to waste the sheer amount of effort it took me to feel ok again, and end up having to take another month or so off. I also want to point out that I am sitting some end of year exams in April, so my main focus will be revising for them as opposed to worrying about getting every. single. post. up. on. time. So if one day there isn't a post up, please understand why.  

It's really nice to be back, and I will try and get a few posts written and scheduled this week! 

Thanks for reading!

Love Charlotte x

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Taking A Time Out

Over the last two or so years I have experienced a lot of changes in my life. I've started university, created a blog, had some of my bestest friends move away to other cities, and generally just had my life crumble around me. And although mentally I feel absolutely fine with all this, my body has decided that life is getting too much for me to handle. I've had a constant eye twitch that has lasted the best part of 6 months, what I can only describe as morning sickness on pretty much a daily basis (without being pregnant obvs), full on mental breakdowns (which my lovely uni friends were kind enough to help me get over), and a short snappy temper that can emerge at any given time. Although one of my new year's resolutions was to make more time for myself, I haven't seen any reduction to my stress levels despite working so hard to reduce them. I've tried apps to reduce anxiety, colouring books, relaxing music, reading, meditation, yoga... - everything I could possible think of! I know we aren't that far into the year, and I have seen myself feeling a bit more relaxed over the last couple of weeks, so I will continue to dedicate that little bit of time for myself everyday.

Although I don't actually feel stressed or anxious, and I have absolutely no reason to be as I have no assignments or deadlines to meet or anything. But being a psychology undergraduate, I know how detrimental stress can be to your health (I'm taking death here people), and I'm really starting to worry about my general health and wellbeing. And I'm not being a hypochondriac, I am seriously worried. Obviously I have to put myself first over everything, so under the circumstances I have decided to take a month or so off from blogging (and a few other things) in the hopes that my body can relax. This doesn't mean that no blog posts will go up; I will try and get plenty scheduled so I am still here whilst not really being here if that makes sense? And at the end of the day, I started blogging as a hobby, and at this moment in time I need to focus on myself rather than worrying about getting posts up on time. 

So until further notice, I am out of office... Dreaming of a holiday in the Caribbean, and cocktails on tap. Fingers crossed posts will go up as normal - but my blog comments, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. will be pretty much abandoned (sorry!). I'll let you know when I'm back in business, and I hope a break will hit the refresh button and bring with it lots of fresh ideas for content. 

Apologies for abandoning you - I hope you understand!

Thanks for reading, and I'll see you soon!

Love Charlotte x

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Merry Christmas Everyone!

Hello everyone! Just an extremely short post for you today as I'm sure your busy wrapping last minute gifts and making sure everything is ready in time for christmas! I'd contemplated with the idea of giving up blogging over the christmas holidays, but obviously I realised I couldn't do that! I love it too much! Right now, I'm all wrapped up in blankets infront of an open fire - sipping on a delicious hot chocolate. I've finished university for the holidays and I'm ready to just chill out and enjoy a well deserved break. I was given so much work to do over the Christmas holidays and I have got nearly all of it done, but I'm saving the rest till the start of the new year. Thankfully this year I don't have January exams to stress out over and I can work through my to-do-list before I go back.

I've got all my presents wrapped and they are underneath the tree ready to be opened on Friday! I have done so much today and tomorrow I intend to fully relax. My family and I always go to the evening mass on christmas eve and we are planning to have a big chinese takeaway afterwards (mmmmm), but I'm most excited for christmas day! We always have my family over and have a massive feast! This year I'm in charge of making the yorkshire puddings for 7 people - the pressure is real haha! 

So I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and I hope you have a lovely day filled with as much festivity as possible! I'll be posting as usual on Sunday at 9am on the dot and I'll be sharing my musings and thoughts on 2015! 

What are you most excited for on Christmas day?

Thanks for reading!

Love Charlotte x

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